Clarity
by VengefulMothSlayer
Summary: Alfred buys an English essay on As You Like It over the net. Little does he know that the author and seller of the essay is in fact Arthur, his arch-frienemy and rival. Oneshot, USUK. T for paranoia.


**Yeah, I know it's probably not all that common to study As You Like It for English. But I think it's a cool coincidence… This was actually inspired by something I read in Ballad: a Gathering of Faerie by Maggie Stiefvater (Which I really recommend you read, 'cause while there are no zombies, the faeries are badass and the main character is a wisecracking bagpiper) where the idiot best friend finds out you can buy essays on the Net. For 40 bucks. No thanks. **

**In any case, this is my first fic in the Unlucky Oneshots series I'm writing… They're completely unconnected, it's just that I wrote all the ideas at the same time, and there are 13 of them. **

**I'm not telling you what the ideas are, so that you have a chance! If you have a good idea for a oneshot that you can't be bothered to use, or you have a terrible idea for a oneshot that you don't want to write, or you just want to see me struggle under a pile of story ideas… Give me ideas! Give me vague one-word prompts! I'll replace all the crappy ideas on my list and write yours instead! **

**Disclaimer: You can tell I don't own Hetalia because America and England haven't had a smexy make-out scene yet and France isn't dead. **

**Anyway, enjoy! **

_**Yo **_

_StarSpangledBanner: Yo, I here u rite essays_

_OhGodWhy: Yes…_

_StarSpangledBanner: can u rite 1 for me_

_OhGodWhy: Can you spell correctly when you're talking to me?_

_StarSpangledBanner: AHAHAHAHAHAA I like u man :P_

_OhGodWhy: That is immaterial. I can, in fact, write you an essay. I will need a subject and word limit, and any other guidelines possible. _

_StarSpangledBanner: 800-1000. a Shakespeare play. _

_OhGodWhy: That sounds fine…_

_StarSpangledBanner: can I get a draft_

_OhGodWhy: That will cost you extra, but yes, you can. Depending on the protocol of the school I can also make amendments according to your teachers' wishes. _

_StarSpangledBanner: cool. so how much is this gonna cost me ;)_

_OhGodWhy: Why the wink?_

_StarSpangledBanner: cuz I feel like it bro ;D_

_OhGodWhy: You're insufferable. And it will cost you approximately $45. _

_StarSpangledBanner: WUT. DX Y U DO THIS 2 ME BRO U HAV NO SOUL I THOUT U LOVED MEEEE_

_OhGodWhy: *sighs* Do you want to write the essay?_

_StarSpangledBanner: no why_

_OhGodWhy: Well, you may be paying me to write it for you, but that doesn't I mean I like it any more than you do. _

_StarSpangledBanner: seems legit_

_OhGodWhy: Yes. Yes, it does. _

_StarSpangledBanner: how do i pay u_

_OhGodWhy: Send me bank details, but you don't have to worry about it until you've seen the finished product. I like to have a guarantee you're happy with my work before I charge. _

_StarSpangledBanner: cool story bro! ;D_

_OhGodWhy: It is not 'cool', nor a story, and I am not your 'bro'. I need more detail, so send me an email at this address: _

_ohgodwhy _

_And if you have any problems, please contact me again here. _

_(User OhGodWhy is offline) _

_StarSpangledBanner: bro, were u goin? :_(_

_(User StarSpangledBanner is offline)_

Alfred sat back from his computer and ran a hand through his hair. He should probably feel guilty about this, he decided. He was pretty sure it was against the law, and in any case, it was immoral.

But as long as he could show Kirkland just how good he could be when he tried, it didn't matter.

Even if he hadn't tried.

It still counted. Kinda.

_StarSpangledBanner: hey dude! i sent u the file ;D_

_OhGodWhy: Winking makes you look sleazy. _

_StarSpangledBanner: ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D _

_OhGodWhy: *eyeroll* Yes, I received it. Everything seems to be in order. _

_StarSpangledBanner: so u can do it? ^-^_

_OhGodWhy: Don't pull that face. It makes you look like a combination of constipated and high. _

_OhGodWhy: And I'm sure I can. It won't take long. _

_StarSpangledBanner: oh man thats such a relief! :) _

_StarSpangledBanner: i get good grades in Math n Science n stuff but I cant write essays_

_StarSpangledBanner: and theres this guy in my grade thats good at everything and I really want to beat him_

_OhGodWhy: That seems like a reasonable excuse to break the law... Rivalry. _

_StarSpangledBanner: I AINT BREAKIN DA LAW MO'FUCKA! IM A HEROOOOOO!_

_StarSpangledBanner: also its more complicated than just that… hes my next door neighbour and weve hated each other 4 like a million years_

_StarSpangledBanner: and he gets really good grades in all my favourite subjects_

_StarSpangledBanner: and one time he stole my undies in the changerooms_

_StarSpangledBanner: true story bro_

_OhGodWhy: How many times do I have to tell you that I am not your "bro"? _

_OhGodWhy: And did he really?_

_StarSpangledBanner: yea _

_StarSpangledBanner: ASSHOLE_

_OhGodWhy: Excuse me. _

_(User: OhGodWhy is offline) _

_StarSpangledBanner: Your excused asshole XDDDDD_

_(User: OhGodWhy is online)_

_OhGodWhy: I'm back, did you miss me?_

_StarSpangledBanner: of coooooooouuuuuuuurrrrse! _

_OhGodWhy: Your use of sarcasm astounds. Please, go on, stupid American. _

_StarSpangledBanner: hey im not stupid! DX_

_OhGodWhy: No. No, you're not. _

_StarSpangledBanner: Now, that was uncalled for, you meanie. _

_OhGodWhy: … What. _

_StarSpangledBanner: See, I can spell and punctuate! Asshole! (when I want to anyway ^-^)_

_OhGodWhy: Point taken. You're still a stupid American. _

_OhGodWhy: and stop making that face. _

_StarSpangledBanner: love u 2, Oh _

_StarSpangledBanner: 3_

_OhGodWhy: …_

_StarSpangledBanner: ^(heart) _

_OhGodWhy: Oh, I see…_

_StarSpangledBanner: 3 _

_OhGodWhy: Is that what I think it is?_

_StarSpangledBanner: ;D BONER_

_StarSpangledBanner: anyway g2g got practice_

_OhGodWhy: I see. Goodbye, then. _

_StarSpangledBanner: Over and out! _

_(User: StarSpangledBanner is offline) _

_(User: StarSpangledBanner is online) _

_StarSpangledBanner: sorry about that man im back now! _

_OhGodWhy: Yes. Yes, you are._

_StarSpangledBanner: So about that time when you accused me of breaking the law…_

_OhGodWhy: Yes…_

_StarSpangledBanner: Well, just strikes me that you're more of a straightlaced guy. you don't really strike me as someone who would sell shit over the net. _

_OhGodWhy: Well, I do try to be a gentleman. _

_StarSpangledBanner: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAYAHAHAHA AHAH a gentleman? who wants to b a gentleman wtf_

_OhGodWhy: Excuse me, I think it is a perfectly reasonable goal in life. _

_StarSpangledBanner: Why not want to be a hero?_

_StarSpangledBanner: Thats way cooler_

_OhGodWhy: Because it's impossible. I can't shoot lasers out of my eyes. _

_OhGodWhy: And besides, all the things that make a hero great are characteristics that can also be found in proper gentlemen. _

_StarSpangledBanner: Gentlemen don't have super powers_

_OhGodWhy: As I said, I don't have superpowers. So I'll strive to be a gentleman, which is like being a hero, but without the ego, powers or fatal flaw. _

_StarSpangledBanner: …_

_StarSpangledBanner: I take it back, that's actually not bad. _

_OhGodWhy: Exactly. _

_StarSpangledBanner: still you didn't answer my Q. why are you selling stuff on the net if you are a gentleman. _

_OhGodWhy: Well, I'm helping you, am I not? Like a gentleman?_

_StarSpangledBanner: Point. _

_OhGodWhy: But I think it's mainly my distrust of authority and hate of rules I see no reason for… Vestiges of a long-gone punk era. _

_StarSpangledBanner: u r begining 2 sound a lot like that guy who stole my tighty whities. _

_OhGodWhy: Oh no! You don't hate me, do you, darling?_

_StarSpangledBanner: Naw course not! just saying is all. _

_OhGodWhy: *obvious sarcasm*_

_StarSpangledBanner: Oh. I was wondering where the darling came from. _

_OhGodWhy: *Sigh* Idiot. _

_StarSpangledBanner: I am beginning to see that as an endearment. _

_OhGodWhy: Endearment? *applauds* Did you learn a new word just to impress me, smoochiekins?_

_StarSpangledBanner: Don't… call me that… too… creepy…_

_StarSpangledBanner: And yes how did u no_

_OhGodWhy: *is psychic*_

_OhGodWhy: I think I'm done with the draft. It is due tomorrow, is it not?_

_StarSpangledBanner: yeah. _

_OhGodWhy: I'll send it now. On another note, I need to go… I have to cook dinner…_

_StarSpangledBanner: cya_

_(User: OhGodWhy is offline)_

_(User: StarSpangledBanner is offline)_

Alfred clutched the draft that Oh had sent him last night. Seriously? It was already a way better essay than anything he'd ever written in his life.

Now, don't get me wrong. He wasn't illiterate. As he'd shown Oh, he could spell and punctuate when he wanted to… He just usually couldn't be bothered. Like, who cared? He was good at some other subjects, and English didn't really matter as long as you passed, so why bother trying? Who wants to know who the fuck Viola is when there are achievements to unlock in halo 4? Priorities, man!

Which, of course, was exactly the point. Everything he'd told Oh was true- he didn't really care about English, but he did care about beating the crap out of Arthur Kirkland. Metaphorically speaking.

And that was exactly what he was going to do, essay or no essay. If he had to write it himself, he would.

"Alright, class! Pass your drafts up, and make sure your name is written clearly on the front!"

Alfred passed his to Kiku, who was sitting in front of him. Then he turned around to his left.

"Hey Kirkland!"

Arthur's head shot up, and he was immediately confronted with an evil grin.

"What is it, idiot?" he asked, clearly disinterested.

"Oh, nothing. Just wanted to let you know that your essay is going to be BLOWN OUT OF THE WATER by the awesomeness that is ME!"

Arthur raised his massive eyebrows. "Oh, really," he commented dryly, and promptly turned back to his book.

Alfred didn't care. (Well, he did, but eyes on the horizon, yanno?) He was going to beat Kirkland this year, once and for all.

The stupid ex-punk had nothing on Alfred.

(Even if he had bought an essay over the internet)

_StarSpangledBanner: Hey dude! _

_OhGodWhy: Spangles. A pleasure, I'm sure. _

_StarSpangledBanner: Hey! No need to be prickly!_

_OhGodWhy: …_

_OhGodWhy: I'm always prickly. _

_StarSpangledBanner: Yea but usually u dont insult my username and tell me its annoying to see me!_

_OhGodWhy: I did not!_

_StarSpangledBanner: Yeah, you didnt say it, but thats what you meant. I could tell. _

_OhGodWhy: …_

_OhGodWhy: Okay, I'm sorry. It's just that this complete ARSE at school was annoying me again, and it's put me in a bad mood. _

_StarSpangledBanner: Your still in skl?_

_OhGodWhy: Yes. Yes, I am. Junior year, actually._

_**(A/N: that **_**is**_** what Americans call grade 11, right?)**_

_StarSpangledBanner: Damn! Same! I kinda assumed u were in uni or something…_

_OhGodWhy: I'm not that old! _

_StarSpangledBanner: …_

_OhGodWhy: Shut up, I'm the same age as you are, you can't call me old. _

_StarSpangledBanner: age isn't only measured in years_

_OhGodWhy: Yes, actually, it is. That's what age means. How old you are. In years. _

_StarSpangledBanner: or days. _

_StarSpangledBanner: or hours. _

_StarSpangledBanner: or months_

_StarSpangledBanner: or millennia_

_OhGodWhy: Yes, yes, I get it, now shut up! _

_StarSpangledBanner: I didnt say anything wrote it_

_OhGodWhy: Whatever. _

_StarSpangledBanner: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAAHAHA HAH I just had a mental image of u saying that in this vally girl accent and flipping ur hair and everything_

_OhGodWhy: How do you know I'm not a valley girl?_

_StarSpangledBanner: …_

_OhGodWhy: How do you know what I look like?_

_StarSpangledBanner: I dont really i just imagine someone in hipster glasses and a top hat and an opera suit with a really big nose…_

_OhGodWhy: I do /not/ look like that._

_StarSpangledBanner: Still, it's a funny mental image. _

_OhGodWhy: Well, for your information, I see an overweight mountain gorilla in a Superman suit, drinking a vanilla milkshake. _

_StarSpangledBanner: … howd u no I was drinkin a milkshake? DX_

_OhGodWhy: You are actually drinking a milkshake?_

_StarSpangledBanner: … Shut up. _

_OhGodWhy: Are you an overweight mountain gorilla wearing a Superman suit?_

_StarSpangledBanner: NO! I'm not overweight or a gorilla! Im actually pretty friggin hot!_

_OhGodWhy: Right. Although I see you didn't deny the Superman part. _

_StarSpangledBanner: If u must no im wearing batman jammies. So u weren't far off. _

_OhGodWhy: *Dies of laughter* You… Actually… Own… Batman… Pyjamas…?_

_StarSpangledBanner: Yea whats wrong w/ that?_

_OhGodWhy: … Why?_

_StarSpangledBanner: Because _

_StarSpangledBanner: Im batman_

_OhGodWhy: Excuse me while I go piss myself. _

_(User: OhGodWhy is offline)_

_StarSpangledBanner: Hey! its not that funny!_

_StarSpangledBanner: Hey come at me bro!_

_StarSpangledBanner: Dammittttttttttttt…_

_(User: StarSpangledBanner is offline)_

_OhGodWhy: Spangles? Are you there?_

_StarSpangledBanner: yes why_

_OhGodWhy: Oh dear. Still touchy over the Batman incident, I see?_

_StarSpangledBanner: no why_

_OhGodWhy: I think that's the shortest message you have ever sent me. _

_StarSpangledBanner: im not mad at u Oh! Ur like my bestest online friend fo' shiz!_

_OhGodWhy: I'm not entirely sure what the last two words meant… But still, thank-you. _

_StarSpangledBanner: im just talkin 2 my mum is all_

_OhGodWhy: I notice your writing has downgraded since we last spoke. This is disappointing… I had such hopes for you…_

_StarSpangledBanner: Yea yea w/e. so what did u want 2 talk about_

_OhGodWhy: Oh, nothing really. I mean, I wanted to let you know that I'd finished your essay, but apart from that, nothing in particular. _

_StarSpangledBanner: fo' shiz? U finished it? Wow man ur like a genius or something…_

_OhGodWhy: I'm only as smart as your arch-nemesis. _

_StarSpangledBanner: nah ur way smarter than he is, he only writes essays for himself, u write for others 2_

_OhGodWhy: Why thank-you. I'm glad that someone appreciates my endeavours. _

_StarSpangledBanner: ur awesome!_

_OhGodWhy: Stop it, please. I'm going to get a fat head. _

_StarSpangledBanner: k_

_OhGodWhy: No, go on. _

_StarSpangledBanner: ahaha nah im fresh out of compliments 2day_

_OhGodWhy: Oh, well, it was a nice thought. _

_StarSpangledBanner: I try. :P hey is it k if we keep on talking after ive payed u_

_OhGodWhy: It would be a pleasure. I feel you've become a good friend. _

_StarSpangledBanner: ahahaah u my bro 4eva n always_

_OhGodWhy: Is that like the friendzone version of a One Direction song? Because it sounds an awful lot like it…_

_StarSpangledBanner: Hey u shouldn't hate on 1D! u r british after all_

_OhGodWhy: That is like saying that you shouldn't hate on Nikki Minaj or Ke$ha because they are, like you, Americans. _

_StarSpangledBanner: True factz_

_OhGodWhy: I am glad that you see my point. And I live in America. _

_StarSpangledBanner: tru factz?_

_OhGodWhy: Never say that again. _

_StarSpangledBanner: …_

_StarSpangledBanner: I like Halo…?_

_OhGodWhy: Thankyou. _

_OhGodWhy: Sorry, Spangles. I've got to go. Things to do, people to see…_

_(User: OhGodWhy is offline)_

_(User: StarSpangledBanner is offline)_

Alfred ginned, so wide it was almost maniacal, as he gazed down at the essay in his hands. As You Like It. He hadn't even had to read the play, and he had a fantastic essay in his hands anyway, without even trying.

Life was good, and soon, Arthur would know that he was worth his time.

He grinned even wider.

_StarSpangledBanner: Wow Oh, thanks so much for the essay! _

_OhGodWhy: My pleasure, Spangles. _

_StarSpangledBanner: Ya no, I think im beginning to like that nickname. _

_OhGodWhy: I'm glad; it suits you. _

_StarSpangledBanner: Hey im not sparkly_

_OhGodWhy: I would never suggest that. You're nothing like Edward Cullen. _

_StarSpangledBanner: good_

_OhGodWhy: In any case, they may find the authorship of the essay is dubious, given your obvious lack of propriety when it comes to spelling and grammar. _

_StarSpangledBanner: ikr_

_OhGodWhy: … Only you would take that as a complement. _

_OhGodWhy: So they may ask you the meaning of certain words, ask you to write something of your own, etc. Of course they'll check the net to see if you've downloaded it from anywhere obvious, and all that, but that shouldn't come to anything._

_OhGodWhy: As long as you convince them that the essay could be yours, you should be fine. They won't take away your grade unless there's no doubt._

_**(A/N: I'm not actually sure, this is what I've heard they do, I've never had any problems myself so I don't know.)**_

_StarSpangledBanner: thanks 4 the heads up_

_OhGodWhy: It's nothing. _

_StarSpangledBanner: Thanks anyway_

_OhGodWhy: Listen, git, I've been thinking…_

_StarSpangledBanner: … What?... ;D_

_OhGodWhy: Would you be interested in an online relationship? _

_**(A/N: SURPRISE MOTHAFUCKA!)**_

_StarSpangledBanner: wtf man?_

_OhGodWhy: … Never mind, I just thought I'd ask. _

_StarSpangledBanner: um im not sure how to react_

_OhGodWhy: just… Just forget it, please, that is so awkward…_

_OhGodWhy: I just assumed, you know, with the Batman thing and all, that…_

_StarSpangledBanner: No um its not that I don't like u or anything _

_StarSpangledBanner: and ur rite I am gay_

_StarSpangledBanner: and I don't want 2 friendzone u or anything_

_StarSpangledBanner: I just don't really feel comfortable with that_

_StarSpangledBanner: u seem like a cool guy and all_

_OhGodWhy: No I understand, I'm really sorry, it came out all wrong and I'm just really embarrassed now, can we just forget it?_

_StarSpangledBanner: sure if thats what u want_

_OhGodWhy: Thanks. _

_**One week later! Le timeskip FTW**_

Alfred slapped the desk and stood up, yelling "WOOT! AN A! DAS' WUT I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT!"

The teacher scolded him for his lack of decorum (Decorum… She needed to get laid) and only an idiot would miss the suspicion in her eyes.

Alfred smiled quietly to himself. Damn, he really should thank Oh again… He'd been expecting nothing less, but still. He'd never scored that high before.

He twisted around to meet the gaze of his rival and shove the grade into his face. "Damn, Kirk, if it isn't an A! Whatcha gonna do?"

Arthur quietly picked up his essay and gestured to his grade- which was, incidentally, an A+. "Your move, Jones."

He stared at the bright red A and its accompanying +, lost for words.

Arthur smirked. "I'm still winning."

Alfred didn't know what to do.

This whole thing was supposed to be about beating Arthur, about showing him that he could be smart, too. But it was worth nothing if Arthur still won.

How would he ever show Kirkland now?

Or, more importantly: how could he ever ask the Brit out without knowing that they were equals?

**(A/N: AND YET ANOTHER SURPRISE MOTHAFUCKA!)**

"Jones! Hey Jones!" Alfred spun around towards the school, silently watching the small figure hurry towards him.

"What do you want, Kirkland?"

Arthur smiled nervously. "I was wondering if I could have a look at that essay of yours?"

Alfred shifted uncomfortably. "Why?"

"Oh, just want to check something."

Alfred didn't like it, but he was a nice guy by nature. He couldn't just ignore people, even Kirkland. So he got Oh's essay out of his bag.

Arthur flipped a couple of pages to the essay, and read the first few lines. He handed the essay back, and stood looking at Alfred, looking incredibly awkward.

"Is it true you have Batman pyjamas?"

At first, Alfred's only reaction was complete and utter confusion. Then he thought:

_Holy crap he's a hacker!_

But in the end, he could only come to one conclusion.

His best internet friend was Arthur Kirkland.

Oh god, why?

When Alfred got to school the next day, there was someone standing at his locker. No, it wasn't a cute girl, or a stripper.

It was Arthur Kirkland.

His first instinct was to turn around, or maybe just go over and beat the crap out of him, but he didn't. He just went to his locker and waited.

Arthur ignored him for a little bit, staring at his shoes before looking up at the ceiling. From the look on his face you'd think he was Galileo and the peeling, water stained paint was the moon.

"Look, git, I've got some shit to say so don't interrupt me until I'm done."

He looked up, to make sure that Alfred understood and was listening, and then looked back down at his shoes, his voice coming out as a mumble.

"I've liked you since 8th grade and if you're interested, my offer of a relationship still stands."

Alfred's mind went blank.

What.

The.

Actual.

Fuck.

And before he knew it, he was kissing his arch-frienemy, crush, cyber friend and partner-in-crime/facilitator, Arthur Kirkland.

_StarSpangledBanner: Hey dude!_

_OhGodWhy: Oh dear lord, it's Alfred. _

_StarSpangledBanner: Hey u no u love me!_

_OhGodWhy: Maybe a little bit. Don't take that the wrong way, I only love you when you fall over. It's slightly adorable in a hilarious, hahaha he just fell over and wacked his crotch on a stair rail kind of way. _

_StarSpangledBanner: dude ur so cute :L_

_(User: OhGodWhy is offline) _

_StarSpangledBanner: You can't hide from the truth! _

_**Le second timeskip of awesomeness and now we are in 4**__**th**__** term! End of the year!**_

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR RRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTIIII IIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Arthur stopped in the middle of the hall, waiting for the human cannonball to hit a wall or possibly ceiling.

"Artie Artie Artie Artie Artie Artie Artie Artie Artie Artie Artie Artie!"

Arthur sighed as a pair of arms were slung around his shoulders and Alfred continued to yell in his ear. "What is it this time, git?"

"I got a B in my English assignment!"

Arthur's eyebrows curved up and he turned inside the other's embrace, tilting his head. "Did you really?"

Alfred nodded, smile bright enough and big enough to rival the sun, or at least a very large flashlight.

Arthur scowled quickly to cover up his grin. "And a good thing too, it took you long enough to write."

"I just wanted to thank you, Oh."

"Why?"

"For all the help. It feels way better to get good grades for my own work, yanno."

Arthur felt the smile he was hiding threatening to break through.

"That's alright. Spangles."

He would have continued, but his lips were suddenly enveloped by something large, warm, wet, soft and tasting of hamburgers and lemonade. No, not the blob. Alfred.

(Which was probably a good thing, since - given another few seconds- he would have been grinning like a fool, and that would have been inexcusable)

_Finis_

**I dunno, this just seems really forced. I've rewritten the bits in 3****rd**** person, but still- yeah. Read and review, please? **

**Oh and btw, I'm really sorry about Alfred's typing… I usually write like Arthur but with more emoticons, so I ended up just doing whatever for Al and hoping that it was legit… :P**

**And why is it that every time I typed StarSpangledBanner I got a mental image of the Hulk wearing a whole heap of Christmas lights?**


End file.
